Trauma and Relationships: Taking Accountability for Our Actions (and Our Words) Plus 7 Steps

If you’ve ever suffered trauma, it can be easy to fall into the victim role in relationships. Always feeling like it’s someone else’s fault for the reasons we are suffering. Which makes it difficult to take accountability for our actions and our words. Something we could all do a little little bit more of.

In a recent argument with my husband, he got upset with me when he suggested I do something for our daughter, and instead of saying, “Thank you for the suggestion, but I’ve got it,” I snapped at him. And then I defended why I was doing what I was doing. 

It felt like he was accusing me of doing something wrong. Like I was somehow the victim in the scenario. And so I got defensive and was unkind to him. Something I’m sure happens often in relationships. Where it’s easy to feel the other person is attacking you instead of understanding where they are coming from first.

My husband and I sat down to talk about it that night, and he let me know that he simply wanted to suggest it. It wasn’t something he was expecting of me, but he was expecting me to be kind to him in response. 

It made me think of my daughter overhearing us when she’s older, and I immediately regretted how I reacted. I was defensive. I did snap at him. I was unkind. In that moment when we were discussing it, I realized I could either get defensive again or take accountability for my actions. I chose to be accountable, and I apologized, and it felt good.

Doing so allowed us to have a calm discussion where we both felt heard and understood. And taking accountability is something I’ll be more mindful of moving forward. Something I strive to do for my husband and for my daughter. And it’s something I think others need to do a little bit more of too: Be accountable for your actions. It’s simple yet complex. And in case you need some help, here are some steps you can take.

1. Acknowledge your pain. I feel it’s often easy to fall into the victim role if you haven’t healed your pain. Your trauma. If you constantly feel like you are the victim and others are to blame. By acknowledging your pain, you can be free from it and by being free, you can see yourself and others a little bit more clearly.
2. Acknowledge your part. Every disagreement has two sides, so take time to reflect on what you said and on how it could have made the other person feel. 
3. Acknowledge their feelings. Perhaps the biggest part to any relationship is acknowledging the other person’s feelings. Not thinking of how you feel, but about how they feel, even if you don’t agree with it, and having empathy for them. 
4. Be kind. Even if you feel you’re being wrongly accused, if you approach the other person in a kind way, you are more likely to have a productive discussion where each of you can understand where the other is coming from. Being unkind never gets anybody anywhere. At least nowhere good.
5. Stick to the facts. All of them. It does you no good to create false narratives in order to protect yourself and your feelings. Sticking to facts is the only way to help you have healthy relationships with others.
6. Journal. When we are honest with ourselves in our journals, and we reflect, it helps us see our own behavior. It can help us draw conclusions to why people may be upset with us. And can help us change from within.
7. Get help. If you find that you are fighting with loved ones often or that people are often upset with you, it is probably an indication you struggle to be accountable for your actions. Speaking with a professional about these things can help you have some insight into your own behavior. And can help you acknowledge that pain that will help break the cycles too.

I wish you all the luck acknowledging your feelings and your pain. And all the joys of acknowledging it for others. For it is only then that we can have truly healthy and loving relationships. 

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Photo by Liza Summer