PTSD and Trauma: Feeling Violated (+8 Tips and a Recipe)
August 31, 2024
Right after it happened, I was in complete shock. I was angry. I was angry that it happened. I was angry with myself that I didn’t see it coming. That it wasn’t on my radar. But most of all, I was angry that my baby was involved.
I enrolled us in swim class as soon as she turned four months old, the earliest she could be enrolled. I wanted her to have swim training, especially since we have a pool. I wanted it for her safety.
Because she is so little, I had to go in the pool with her. Something I wasn’t particularly fond of. The thoughts that went through my mind of all those kids, and all their germs and boogers and pee in the pool was not easy, but she loved swim class, so I did it for her.
And even though I’d dread getting out of the house as early as we needed to, every Friday morning, we’d go to swim class. We’d sing our songs and she’d learn some new tricks in the water and then we would change in the changing rooms. Sometimes I’d even breastfeed her when she was hungry. While we were both naked. Before I had time to put on our dry clothes.
Then I sat down at my computer one day and saw an email from the swim school and read that our privacy had been violated. That a man had been recording us while at swim class. I immediately looked it up in the news and read that he had put cameras in the changing rooms and had thousands of videos of kids and parents changing.
I felt sick. I cried hard. For my baby. For the other children. For myself. Because of things in my past. Because trauma seems to be in my life no matter what I do.
A few days later, we received another email explaining that the perpetrator did not have cameras in the changing rooms as the news had erroneously reported; rather, he had strapped them to himself when he entered the facility.
It provided a ton of relief that he didn’t see my baby and me changing, and it provided some hope that he had no footage of us, but there was still a chance, which continued to make me feel violated. Too violated to go back now. If ever. Because feeling violated is a hard feeling to recover from.
I hope you never feel violated, but if you do, here are some things you can do:
- Journal. It will help you hear yourself.
- Rest. Your body will need the extra time to recover.
- Be mindful of your diet. Eat foods that are easy to digest. I stick to carbs and protein when I’m having a difficult time processing. And I usually eat gluten-free and vegan.
- Do things that bring you joy. The next morning, I made blueberry pancakes. And I sat down with an espresso and enjoyed them. (See my recipe below.)
- Connect with others. The next day, I had my sister and nephew over for lunch. I thought about canceling when I got the news, but then I realized it would bring me joy to see them, so I kept our plans.
- Know that it’s not your fault. It’s easy to blame yourself when it happens. I blamed myself when I first found out but my husband kept reminding me that I’d done nothing wrong. And that I had every right to feel safe there.
- Practice self-care. Bathe, get dressed, go for walks. Take care of yourself.
- Talk to a professional. I’ve had the same psychotherapist for over a decade and talking to her helps me reframe unhealthy thoughts. Something only a professional knows how to do.
If you ever feel violated, I wish you a safe and speedy recovery. And lots of love.
Recipe
Here’s my recipe for gluten-free vegan pancakes:
1 ½ cups Bob’s Red Mill Gluten-free All Purpose Baking Flour
1 ½ teaspoons baking soda
½ cup aquafaba*
1-2 teaspoons agave
¼-½ cup unsweetened almond milk
2 cups blueberries (I use frozen and thaw them)
Coconut oil for the pan
Heat the pan on medium low. Mix dry ingredients, then add wet, then add blueberries. Stir until well mixed. Spoon onto pan and cook until bubbling, then flip.
*Aquafaba is garbanzo bean juice that I use as an egg substitute. ¼ cup equals one egg.
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Photo by Anete Lusina
