A woman walking across the room and her shadow on the ground

Published On: October 1, 2025Categories: Blog, Uncategorized903 words3.4 min read

Parenting with My Shadow Self

October 1, 2025

We all have a shadow self. The yin to our yang. The dark to our light. The self within the self. For those of us who have suffered trauma, our shadow self may speak louder or more frequently. Our shadow self is the one who had to endure the pain. Who has to live with the memories. And who has to try to get up every day and face the world.

After dissociating for 23 years, I know that my light side was lost in the darkness, and my shadow side led the way. She is very familiar to me. Almost more familiar in my 44 years of life than the other parts of me. The parts that are light. The parts that see the good in the world. The parts that allow me to be a good parent.

I find it very difficult to parent when my shadow self is dominant. When the part of me that needs a lot of self-care and attention to my needs has needs that go continuously unmet. Like the other day when my daughter woke up at 4 a.m. and didn’t nap until almost 10.

My shadow self was very loud that day, and I needed to rest. I needed to sit and be still. I needed to recover, but my very active one-and-a-half-year-old wanted to run around the house and climb the furniture and ask questions and do all the wonderful things she does, but I didn’t have the energy for it. So, I cried, and I’m sure I was more stern with her than I would like to be. I even threw one of her balls across the room at one point as a release, frustrated by the fact that I had to keep going when all I wanted to do was stop and sleep.

I made it through the day, but around 5 p.m., I hit a wall and called my husband and told him to get home as soon as possible because I could feel myself no longer being able to parent. No longer being able to put someone else’s needs in front of my own. I had hit my max.

So my daughter and I sat in the kitchen and waited for my husband to get home. I let her watch TV at the kitchen table while she ate, and I sat down and stared into space until he came through the door.

Once he was home, I took a few minutes to myself, and then my daughter began having a meltdown, and I had to go back and be with her. I think it was 8 p.m. before I could be alone again. The whole time my shadow self demanding I make up for lost time. Demanding I pay attention to her needs.

But I want to put my daughter’s needs before my own. I want her to feel heard and understood. I want her to be able to run and play and do the things that bring her joy. I don’t want to be stern with her. I want to be loving and patient and explain things. I want her to always feel like my first priority. And I know when my shadow self is dominant, those things don’t come very easily.

I’m starting to find ways to cope. When I am unable to do anything else, I simply cry. It is after all a release. I feel bad. She sees me cry more often than I’d like, but I realize I’d rather have her see me cry then throw something or hurt myself, so I cry as I may. I find that once I’m able to have some time alone, and some sleep, I am able to recharge, and I can be the parent I hope to be once again.

So if you ever find your shadow self needing some attention, here are some things you can do:

Write. It doesn’t have to be anything profound or in any special place. Open the notes section on your phone and vent. Get it all out. I trust you will feel better once you do.
Breathe. Move your breath from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. And repeat.
Move. Movement helps regulate your nervous system, which will help you think more clearly and feel calmer in your body.
Use stress relief spray. I use the Bach Rescue Remedy stress relief spray. It calms me down in seconds.
Drink something hot or cold. It will help you get back into your body if you are feeling unlike yourself. It helps you stay present.
Engage your senses. I keep lavender close by for my daughter or me to smell when we begin to have a moment.
Listen to music. Chakra balancing and brainwave activation music are my favorites.
Take the breaks you get. If you are a parent to a young child or children, let them indulge in something that gives you a couple minutes to collect yourself. Like my daughter watching TV at the kitchen table, sometimes you need to just do little things to get by.